So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
