Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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