well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
