got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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