take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize