nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
