I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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