so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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