He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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