you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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