Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
