If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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