saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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