your parents love me but you hate me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
