Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
