i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
