When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
