I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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