Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
