I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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