Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
