Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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