mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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