id be glad to
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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