evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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