I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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