i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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