I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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