I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
