Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
