Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
