I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
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I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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