what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If I die, sorry about rent.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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