I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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