I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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