On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
