guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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