Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
