I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
