how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
