I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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