Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Your dad touched me again.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
