Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
