You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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