Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
