My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
