she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
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He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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