Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
