All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
