Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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