I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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