If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
