You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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