shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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