Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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