He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
