I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
