I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
