shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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